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MY WIFE IS SO FAT IF SHE WAS A STRIPPER SHE'D HAVE TO WEAR A G-ROPE.
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"IS THIS A SECOND-HAND SHOP?"
"YES."
"PLEASE CAN YOU FIT ONE ON MY ALARM CLOCK?"
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ATTRACTED BY THE PROSPECT OF MEETING 30 NEW PEOPLE,
A LONDON SOLICITOR BOOKED A PLACE ON A HOUSEPARTY HOILDAY
FOR YOUNG SINGLES IN AUSTRIA. WHEN HE ARRIVED, HE WAS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAD CHOSEN THE HOLIDAY.
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                   WHO SAID THAT
'STANLEY MATHEWS LACKS THE BIG MATCH TEMPERAMENT. HE WILL
NEVER HOLD DOWN A REGULAR FIRST TEAM PLACE IN TOP
CLASS SOCCER.' UNSIGNED FOOTBALL WRITER WHEN MATTHEWS,
THE FUTURE CAPTAIN OF ENGLAND, MADE HIS DEBUT AT THE AGE OF 17.
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'RAIL TRAVEL AT HIGH SPEED IS NOT POSSIBLE, BECAUSE
PASSENGERS,UNABLE TO BREATHE, WOULD DIE OF ASPHYXIA'
Dr DIONYSYS LARDNER (1793-1859).

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THE WORST EVER ELECTION WAS HELD IN JUNE 1974 WHEN THE 
VOTERS OF A TOWN IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA RE-ELECTED AS MAYOR
THE MAN WHOSE DEATH HAD CAUSED THE ELECTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
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APOLOGIZING TO THE 8,731 ELECTORS WHO HAD VOTED TO HAVE
THE LATE MAYOR REINSTATED FOR A FURTHER YEAR, THE TOWN
CLERK APPARENTLY DESCRIBED THE OCCURRENCE AS 'A BAD MISTAKE.'
WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE MAYOR HAD BEEN RE-ELECTED
BY A SIZEABLE MAJORITY,THERE WAS, NOT SURPRISINGLY,
A CONSIDERABLE PUBLIC OUTCRY. PART OF WHICH CAME
FROM HIS SISTER IN LAW.
ON HEARING THE RESULT, SHE SAID 'I KNOW GEORGE WAS VERY
POPULAR WITH THE TOWNSFOLK, BUT I WAS STILL SURPRISED
TO HEAR HIS ELECTION VICTORY ANNOUNCED ON MY WAY
BACK FROM THE CREMATORIUM'.
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BEING WRONG IS A NATURAL GIFT,YOU CANNOT LEARN IT.
SOME OF US CAN BE WRONG ALL THE TIME.
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'HEAVEN AND EARTH WERE CREATED ALL TOGETHER IN THE 
SAME INSTANT, ON OCTOBER 23rd,4004 B.C.AT NINE O'CLOCK
IN THE MORNING'_Dr JOHN LIGHTFOOT, VICE_CHANCELLOR OF
CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY JUST BEFORE THE PUBLICATION OF
DARWIN'S Oringin of the Species.
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'FAR TO NOISY,MY DEAR MOZART,FAR TOO MANY NOTES.'
THE EMPEROR FERDINAND AFTER THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF
The Marriage of Figaro.
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'YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO VERY MUCH'_A MUNICH SCHOOLMASTER 
TO ALBERT EINSTEIN, AGED 10.
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'THEY COULDN'T HIT AN ELEPHANT AT THIS DIST...'
THE LAST WORDS OF GENERAL JOHN SEDGWICK SPOKEN WHILE LOOKING
OVER THE PARAPET AT ENEMY LINES DURING THE BATTLE OF
SPOTSYLVANIA IN 1864.
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN DANCING ON A CAR:
A MORRIS DANCER.
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